Thoughts About Motherhood

As much as my feelings about impending motherhood have changed in the last two months, I suspect they will be subject to greater, even exponential, change as D-Day (Delivery Day) draws ever nearer and the reality of what is ahead of me settles heavier. I also realize no amount of preparation will adequately prepare me for what can only be truly understood through the experience to begin on that great day of change. I feel as if my wedding day was only a ripple in the wake of the wave about to land on my nice and neat sand castle on the beach.

I feel as if a change unsurpassed in my life so far is taking place inside of me. I am aware of this transition by more than what nausea, extreme fatigue and strong opinions about food constantly remind me. Though there are developments happening in my physical body that seem to follow an order prescribed for them from an ancient source, the thoughts of my heart have taken a more erratic route, though they have been on paths no one has forced upon me. The occasion of this baby’s conception has opened wide the door for questions, lies and emotional roller coasters to run rampant in my consciousness. My subconscious has even joined in the fun by bringing forth fears and ideas that I have managed to keep at a comfortable arm’s length until this point.

But God is faithful to answer to see His daughter through in her moment of crisis.

Never have I felt more vulnerable and weak in my life. Never have I felt so in need of help. I am so convinced of this need that I am strangely confident of His provision for me. I don’t have any tricks up my sleeve for the motherhood endeavor. This isn’t like another job where I have some amount of skills and experience from which I can draw upon. This isn’t an essay in college that I can wing well enough to fool my professor. I feel so lacking and incomplete in my ability to be a good mother that I am looking to God like no other time before to help me in my weakness. I feel like I can begin to understand what Paul meant when he said he gladly boasted in his infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon him (2 Corinthians 12:7-10). For because I am so weak, God MUST be strong on my behalf. He is a very good parent.

I am also discovering a new grace to enter into the rest of the Lord. I am looking ahead at the next months and years of my life and coming to terms with the limits that will be placed on my every day (and have already begun). Past will be the days of 10–12 hour days in prayer, Bible study and service using the gifts the Lord has given me. It took me awhile, but I finally began to realize that D-Day is not the end of my life. It will be the end of my life as I currently know it, but I am seeing the opportunity for a new layer of Jodi to emerge. I picture my soul as a fishing tackle box containing levels of compartments, some of which can’t be accessed without first removing the shelf above it. Coming is a new compartment of supply and resource that I haven’t touched before nor did I know existed. Through a series of circumstances, the Lord showed me I have in me both the natural ability to mother and the resource of His provision for my every need. And I really believe Him. He has shown me that He is my teacher, and He has every lesson plan of my life already worked out. I need only follow the lesson plan of the day and not place upon myself the burden of what my homework will be like eight grades from now. I am a fourth-grader, not a twelfth-grader, and He doesn’t expect me to know calculus just yet. That time will come in the natural order of learning, and He is committed to the process of my education.

I am excited to say that I am excited about this baby growing inside of me. Not many years ago, I never would have thought that possible or even desirable. I am learning anew the kindness of the Lord and His faithfulness to answer our seemingly weak prayers. I am starting to believe that He has actually given me permission to be weak. As insignificant as I feel in this transition of doing less and resting more, I am finding a grace that I have not experienced before. I feel as if this pregnancy has created the perfect opportunity for me to embrace the reality of my weakness. And strangely enough, it’s rather peaceful here.

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